Signs of Emotional Distance

Not Discussing Emotions

Do you find yourself bottling up your emotions around your partner? Is your partner reluctant to say how they feel? Limited discussion about emotions is a sign of emotional distance. Avoiding feelings-based conversations can lead to making more assumptions about one another’s thought processes and behavior patterns. Unchecked assumptions perpetuate the cycle of pulling away instead of creating space for vulnerability and curiosity.

Lack of Physical Intimacy and Affection

Trouble with emotional intimacy is directly connected to trouble with physical intimacy and affection. Emotional intimacy often begets affection, and physical intimacy releases chemicals that promote emotional bonding. Emotional distance interrupts this feedback loop. You and your partner may notice you feel more like roommates than lovers. Your interactions may lack a “spark” and come from necessity rather than desire.

Unresolved Conflict or Lack of Conflict

Many couples find conflict in their relationship difficult to navigate. However, developing a conflict style that breeds greater connection is a hallmark of a healthy relationship. There is compromise even when there is disagreement. Emotional distance comes from longstanding, unresolved conflict in which you and/or your partner feel unheard. This can cause avoidance of difficult topics altogether, which shows up as lack of conflict due to “sweeping it all under the rug.”

Unmet Needs

Emotional distance causes challenges in identifying, expressing, and meeting one another’s needs. You might feel resentful or as though you are making yourself smaller to try and preserve the relationship. Seeking ways to get needs that were once met in the relationship outside of it is another common sign. Even when you and your partner do try to meet each other’s needs, emotional distance makes attempts feel misaligned.

Disinterest in Working on the Relationship

It’s easy to lose hope in the face of emotional distance. Feeling far apart makes it hard to want to continue working on the relationship. Even though you and your partner are struggling, you might feel apathetic toward improving the situation. Perhaps you’ve tried everything you can think of on your own, are stuck in negative cycles, or are not convinced things can change. Working with a trained couples therapist can be particularly helpful for increasing motivation in this area.

Causes of Emotional Distance

Chronic High Stress Levels

Chronic stress can cause your physical health, mental health, and overall wellbeing to go haywire. Research shows that chronic stress undermines the quality of close relationships. It can lead to increased conflict and decreased ability to cope with conflict. There is little room for authentic connection when you and/or your partner are always in fight-or-flight mode. Without stress management techniques and the long-term reduction of stress, emotional distance is likely to remain an issue.

Pursue-Withdraw Cycles

Anxiety is a human response to noticing shifts in your relationship. Sometimes, this anxiety activates core wounds. If you have a history of attachment trouble, witnessing tension between primary caregivers, and/or unhealthy past relationships, the pursue-withdraw cycle may come up with your current partner.

If you feel your partner pulling away, you might react with nervousness and bids for connection. Your partner might withdraw further, eventually causing you to give up. However, as soon as you give up, your partner gets nervous and wants more connection! This pattern is highly damaging when allowed to continue – it perpetuates emotional distance rather than alleviating it. Identifying the root causes and finding opportunities to break the cycle can help.

Constant Criticism

You aren’t going to like everything about your partner. However, criticizing them for qualities you struggle with creates emotional distance. This is also true if you are the one on the receiving end of criticism. A healthy relationship involves active appreciation for what is going well. It is a safe space to discuss and work through parts of one another that are challenging. Immediately jumping to criticism is a predictor of heading toward a breakup, separation, or divorce. In order to build connection, you and your partner need to be assured that you are in each other’s corners.

Needing More Balance

A balance between alone time and time together is important for a fulfilling, functional relationship. Too much time together can increase emotional distance just as much as too much time apart. Failing to maintain outside friendships, hobbies, and time to recharge takes away from your ability to grow as a couple. Consistently prioritizing these outside engagements over the relationship does the same. Regular check-ins about each person’s needs in this area prevents misunderstandings and miscommunication.

Relational Incompatibility

Having initial chemistry with your partner is an impetus for entering a more serious relationship with them. Once the novelty has faded, it is possible to find out that you are not as compatible as you believed you would be. You might have different goals, lifestyles, or ways of giving and receiving love.

Staying in an incompatible relationship means trouble with connection. Emotional distance stems from being unable to find enough common ground to meet each other where you are. This is not a failure. Rather, it is a sign that you both need to take time to consider if separating is what you need in order to move forward.

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How to Overcome Emotional Distance

Emotional distance does not always spell the end of a relationship. If you and your partner have decided you would like to stay together, there are ways to rebuild closeness. The first step in finding what works for you is to admit that there is an issue. Set aside time with your partner where you both can be honest, address concerns, and discuss solutions that sound appealing to both of you.

Each partner in a relationship has certain things that make them feel loved. Creating closeness can look different for you and your partner. It is helpful to define the factors that are helpful in fostering connection for each of you individually, such as quality time, physical touch, or words of affirmation. Gal Szekely, one of the founders of The Couples Center, has developed a more comprehensive view of these factors. The view includes two main elements – what you want to feel and how to make you feel this in your relationships. You and your partner can move forward in incorporating this perspective by completing the Four Core Relationship Desires Quiz.

Another avenue to consider is couples therapy. A couples therapist will be able to help you understand why emotional distance is present in your relationship. They will also be able to suggest connection exercises based on your individual needs. Attending couples therapy sessions can have a lasting positive impact on communication skills, bonding, and feelings of attunement and passion.

If you and your partner are looking for a more in-depth experience, a couples workshop can bring you closer together in a short amount of time. A weekend workshop fosters breakthroughs and provides hands-on guidance for expanding your love. Having the right tools and an individualized action plan helps close emotional distance that may have developed over time.