Avoidant Attachment Style

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to be very independent and uncomfortable with intimacy and all that it entails. Partners with an avoidant attachment style often make their significant other feel unloved, unheard, unseen, or unimportant. Know that people with this style treasure freedom and are typically emotionally distanced. They need space, understanding, and recognition in adult relationships.

You may find yourself asking some couples therapy questions when you don’t speak your partner’s attachment language:

• How can I talk to my partner more effectively?
• How can we improve our relationship skills?
• How can we stop arguing?
• How do you maintain a successful relationship when your partner has an avoidant style?

The truth is, I used to have an avoidant attachment style. Liron and I worked through it, meaning it’s possible to evolve not just as an individual but as a couple.

Some of these tips may seem counterintuitive, but they work. They can help you and your significant other become the couple you want to be in spite of communication mishaps.

1. Show your partner that they are valued and appreciated

Lovers with an avoidant attachment relationship style are driven by a major desire in romantic relationships: to feel valued, to feel that whatever they bring to the relationship makes a difference.

Fulfill this desire by recognizing the contributions your partner makes to the relationship and praising them generously.

2. Give them a lot of space

These partners, by nurture, crave space where they can be themselves on their own time, and on their own terms. On the outside, it may seem like they want to escape. You worry that if you give them too much space, they won’t come back. It can be hard if a husband is avoidant or a wife – marriages can suffer from avoidant attachment relationships when someone is scared to lose the other.

But, this is not the case. Your partner just needs time and space alone. Whether that’s reading or hanging out with their friends, the point is to fulfill that independence they seek.

Express how much you love it when they tend to their hobbies outside of your relationship. By signaling support to your partner, you show them you are trying to understand what they need. In turn, they will feel loved and they will reciprocate that love.

3. Modulate eye contact and touch — couples’ body language

Your partner’s need for distance manifests as irregular displays of affection. If you value physical touch, this can be frustrating.

Try to understand why your partner acts this way. Be it looking at their phone or their surroundings, people with an avoidant style tend to look away more. This trait can make them seem uninterested.

In reality, your partner does this when they need space or the intimacy is too much. Once you understand how their minds work—how too much at once can make them feel stifled—you can adjust your approach.

Body language is more powerful than words, especially between couples.

• Do they tense up when you sit close?
• Are they maintaining eye contact, or are their eyes wandering?
• Are they receptive to touch at first but then become closed off after a certain amount of time?
• Are they leaning into the conversation, or are they withdrawn?

Your partner may not tell you, “I want to cuddle with you” every time they want affection, so your job is to study their body language. This is one way to solve non-verbal communication issues in a relationship like this.

4. Practice positive affirmation instead of negative criticism

Those with an avoidant attachment style want to feel valued. Criticism is on the list of, “How to hurt an avoidant style partner”. For example, one recurring fight you have could be about your partner always working too late.

This constant critique makes them feel unappreciated, not good enough. What can you do? Find one single, good thing they do that you appreciate. Even if they perform this act 1 out of 100 times, make sure to bring it up.

Say “Hey, I really appreciate when you do X.” They’ll know to do X more often, which improves your dynamic. Instead of focusing on the bad, you’re highlighting what’s making your partnership grow.

5. Regulate your tone of voice and emotions during a conflict

Avoidant style personalities are more sensitive to anger. When your tone or volume increases, they shut down. They become unable to respond, and that’s not because they don’t want to solve the problem.

Their bodies undergo a biological reaction that makes them revert to avoidant mode. In response, you get more animated and angry, creating a negative conflict pattern.

Some changes you can implement are to speak more slowly and simply in a level-headed tone of voice.

The best relationship books will tell you that when you approach conflicts with a deeper understanding of how your partner’s mind and body operate, you can work towards resolutions instead of getting stuck in a fighting pattern.

6. Tell them one concrete action they can take during a conflict

Understand that partners with an avoidant style find it difficult to just share feelings. Practical resolutions should include one actionable item.

Tell them exactly what you want and how they can meet that request.

Once they do, show appreciation. Balancing communication styles can solve problems in the future, and they’ll be more likely to do that positive thing again.

You may not be able to change how your partner’s mind-body connection works, but you can change how you react to their behavior.

7. Look for affection through their actions and recognize it

You may have noticed that your partner doesn’t believe in classic romantic gestures. They may not give you cards, surprise you with gifts, or shower you with tender words.

Instead, avoidant style partners show love through actions. Your conflict source—like them working too late—may be their way of expressing love. They might work overtime to support the family financially, for instance.

Find ways they’re showing affection, and verbally acknowledge those gestures. They might do them more because now they feel seen and valued. This creates a positive loop that reinforces itself.

How to Love an Avoidant Partner with Compassion and Patience

Loving someone with an avoidant attachment style can feel confusing—one moment they’re present and connected, the next they seem emotionally distant or withdrawn. It’s important to remember that avoidance is often a protective strategy, not a lack of care. Avoidant partners tend to feel overwhelmed by emotional intensity or pressure, especially when they fear their independence might be threatened.

Here are a few ways to show love to your avoidant partner in a way that honors their unique needs while still advocating for your own:

• Give space without punishment. Avoidant partners need room to regulate their nervous system and come back into connection on their own terms. Giving them that space—without guilt or resentment—helps build trust and emotional safety.

• Practice gentle consistency. Instead of chasing or demanding closeness, focus on being steady and emotionally available. Your calm presence teaches them that connection doesn’t have to feel engulfing or unsafe.

• Ask for what you need clearly and calmly. Avoidant partners often struggle with unspoken expectations. When you voice your needs directly and without blame, it gives them a clear path to show up for you—without feeling like they’re failing.

• Celebrate small steps. If your partner opens up or makes an effort to connect, acknowledge it. Even small expressions of vulnerability can take a lot of courage for someone with avoidant tendencies.

Most of all, remember: you’re not responsible for “fixing” your partner—but you can create a relational space that invites growth, security, and emotional closeness.

How to improve communication in a relationship through other means

If you’re ready to take the next step to address avoidant tendencies in your relationship, check out our Breakthrough to Love workshop.

After the 2.5-day (online) workshop, you’ll walk away with communication tools, a better understanding of your partner’s personality and attachment style, and awareness of what drives repetitive conflicts in your relationship plus ways to solve them.

We’ll work together so you can have a healthier, stronger, and more playful marriage or relationship.