She needs to know your affection doesn’t always have an agenda.
Guys, you know how in the beginning of a relationship, there’s a magical feeling between you and your lady? You feel close to each other, and passion is always in the air. She’s really into you, too—and ordinary interaction easily becomes sexual (and you two end up in bed).
Fast-forward four or five years later, and now your partner—maybe your wife—seems far less interested in sex. You are physical less often, and sex isn’t that great when you do. She may seem less present or engaged than you’d like, or perhaps she’s complaining that you don’t know how to get her in the mood. Many men don’t understand what their partner means by that.
Once routine settles into your relationship, many men start giving less affection to their partner, saving it only for when they want to have sex. These men view touching, kissing, or caressing as foreplay, and they’re become far less physical because they (mistakenly) believe that foreplay only starts when there’s an intention for sex. In other words, men have a short foreplay-to-sex time span!
But for many women this is different. Women are in the mood for sex more when they feel consistent affection from their man — but the affection that men consider “foreplay” doesn’t always have to lead to sex. Think of that moment in the kitchen when you pass each other and you put a hand on her back, or when you surprise her with a quick kiss on the neck. How does she respond in those moments of straightforward affection, as opposed to when you do the same thing deliberately looking for sex? It’s everyday passionate attention that shows her you’re interested in her all the time, not just when you have an agenda (however fun that agenda may be).
Think women are less interested in sex than men? Think again. But for women, “foreplay” happens throughout the week. They feel more passionate when they feel love and affection on a consistent basis.
So guys, treat your partner like the sexy woman she is, every day, without it always needing to lead to sex. If you can pull this off consistently (and sincerely), she’ll feel beautiful, desired, and emotionally connected—and sexually speaking, that’s very good for you.
Every couple has different sexual needs and talking about them in couples therapy can help you improve your intimate connection right away. For practical tools, sign up online for our free gift, Secrets of Successful Relationships. Need personal support? Our marriage counselors can help you identify what you can do as a couple to have a fulfilling, incredibly sexy relationship.